Going Beyond My Comfort....

So I have started my new business and at this point I had hoped to have many bookings on my calendar but I have two.  I have posted my new business on fb many times and I have sent out emails to the women in my life that I thought for sure would be more than willing to jump up and help and book a party.  I got one email back from a "new" friend who is away for the summer but said she would be willing to book a show in the late fall.  I know now my next step is to make phone calls and that is out of my comfort zone.

I don't like to be uncomfortable and I don't like to make other people uncomfortable and I know that I will have to step into that zone for my business to flourish.  I also know that once I do it I will get better at it and God will bless me abundantly.  The problem is....I don't want to do it and I can feel my anxiety growing out of control inside of me...like a vine out of control and it is going to smother me if I don't get control of it.

I also believe that God has sent me tools to use to get control of this.  I had a woman call and email me this week that stated that she wanted to speak to me about helping with a reception to be held after church because she is getting married at my church during a regular service.  I was left very confused because the whole conversation doesn't register correct in my mind.  Weddings during church, receptions during coffee hour, people who call strangers out of the blue????  I am having a hard time calling people that I know and love to have a party where they will earn free merchandise and this woman called me to help with a wedding reception, her wedding reception, out of the blue.  This has left me feeling...I'm not even sure what I'm feeling.

I want to be open to hear her, to help her, to learn from her.  I want to be the kind of person who can pick up a phone and talk people into things, without being manipulative, of course.  Sometimes I think people just want to be asked.  I know that at the root of this is rejection.  I have always had issues with rejection.  My biggest fear has always been that "you" weren't going to like me.   I have worked on this my whole life and I believe that I have to give this to God.  I probably give this to God and take it back all the time.  I am good at giving and taking.

Now at this point I haven't actually spoken to the woman yet.  We don't even know each other.  I have recieved an email and a phone message.  My thoughts are who is this person calling a complete stranger to help with her wedding, how much am I suppose to help.  What does God want me to do????  That is the biggest question I have been asking since yesterday.  I believe this has to be something from him....So what am I to do with it???  I am praying that when I do finally speak with her God will give me the words that I need because I have no idea what to do?  Talking with a stranger about something so personal....Is definately Going Beyond My Comfort!!!

Rough Days...

I am not sure why the last couple of days have been so rough.  It could have been because of the medication, I was taking 150mgs of Lyrica 3x a day and I was in such a fog that I didn't even know my own name, so the doctor took me down to 1x a day only at night.  I think I am still feeling a little groggy from that.  It also could be that I have been waiting on an email that is going to change my life.  I found a company that I am going to work for, working for myself.  I will be doing something that I am passionate about and the company is faith-based.  I just have to be patient and I am not good at that which is something I really need to work on but the more I work on it the harder it gets.  It could also be that on top of all of this, I finally got some hours at work.  Twenty-six hours may not seem like a lot to some but I have been going from 6-9  hours a week for a while to now working 26 hours on my feet.  So going from 6 hours a week (and not all in one day) to 26 hours a week (6 hours a day)...I am not only physically tired but I am emotonally tired.  I know this sounds like a lot of whining and it probably is but I am hoping it will make me feel better. 

My daughter called me a ray of sunshine once and I was very happy to hear that but the problem  is that sometimes it does rain.  I am almost always a very happy person.  I always remember how much God Loves me and that I should be grateful for everything in my life and even when I feel like this I am extremely grateful to God for everything I have been given.  But there are days when it rains...sometimes its a drizzle and sometimes it's a downpour. 

The last few days I have to accept as a downpour.  Just as in life when it rains I always wait in anticipation for what will come when the storm is over.  I always think about what the flowers will look like when the rain ends, I think about how green the trees will be when the sun comes back out.  So I will try and take a deep breath through this rain storm in my life and think about how beautiful life will be on the other side of this storm.  I believe that God has an amazing gift waiting for me on the other side of this drizzle...It will be an awesome rainbow of sorts and I am willing to wait.  Thank you Lord for giving me the gift of writing through this storm and finding you again.  I love you!!!

Just need to Vent...

So a couple of weeks ago I started a new medication called Lyrica.  I was very excited about this one because I thought for sure this one was going to work.  It is,  of course,  the most expensive one on the market with a $50.00 co-pay for me and I know that others have paid more, and the insurance company made me jump through a small hoop to get it,  making me try another cheaper drug first.  That drug did not work and it actually put me in more pain than I was before.  So I started the Lyrica and right away I noticed a difference...it put me right to sleep at night...out like a light!!  I thought ok,  this is good I won't need my sleeping pills at night any more.

Then I started the morning pill...I had to eventually work my way up to a three times a day dosage.  The pill made me feel like I had a couple of drinks and I wasn't feeling any pain but also wasn't able to really function to well either but it was my day off and I figured this is a feeling that will go away, I just have to get use to the meds.  It will work its way into my system and I will be ok.

A couple of days later I worked the afternoon pill into my schedule and now I am asleep all the time.  I am up but basically I am functioning asleep.  This is no way to live.  Why would they make a pill that makes you feel like this.  Am I feeling any pain?  Well the pain isn't as bad as it was on the last pill but I could have just had a bottle of wine to feel like this.  I will be contacting my doctor today to see if this is too much medication or if this is how I'm suppose to feel.  If it is I am done with it.  I am suppose to be heading off to the Fibro Clinic in Boston if this medication didn't work.  I have a feeling I will be going to Boston sometime soon.  I am not sure there are any more medicines to try but thats ok...I want to try new remedies like massage, diet and exercise.  I really believe these will work more than the medications. 

I would love to hear from anybody reading this...If you have an opinion, a story or just support, I love hearing from people.  If you have anything to add to the medication dilemma, I would love to hear about that too...Until the next time...

Fibro's Birth...

If you google Fibromyalgia you will probably read that fibro is usually found in women and it's usually the result of a trumatic experience as a child.  They have quoted rape or abuse to be the cause.  Well I was not raped or abused as a child but I did loose my dad at the age of nine.  Was that trumatic enough to bring on this type of condition?  It is a mystery.  But now that I have it I have to live with the continuing mystery of it...or do I?

For about a year I did question every aspect of this condition.  Why did I have it?  What do I do about it?  When am I going to stop hurting?  Why doesn't anyone understand?  And then I decided to stop....

And please don't think for one minute that I don't have my moments...I have moments when I ask every one of those questions again. But for the most part I decided that I had to start living my life again.  I don't know why I have this and there is nothing I can do to change it so I will live with it and do what I need to do to help others.  What does God want me to do with this?  When I am in deep pain I ask to be prayed on and with and I have an awesome boyfriend who does that.  God has become a huge part of my life that he once wasn't.  Although God was always a part of my life he is now allowed to be a part of my relationship with the person that I intend to be with for the rest of my life.  So laying on of hands and healing prayer is so much a part of my life now and so important.  Although Todd doesn't always understand he is always very supportive. 

The part of this condition that has really gotten me very frustrated is the emotional and psychological part.  One of the pieces of this condition is depression and I have issues with this.  I am not a depressed person.  My depression comes from the fact that I can't get rid of the pain.  So I feel that depression is not a peice of this condition but a side effect.  Does this make any sense to any of you?  I am very, vey happy for the most part.  I am usually only depressed when I am taking a medication thats supposed to take away pain and the pain doesn't go away.  When I have a flare up thats when you may find me blue.  Now I'm not saying that this is eveyones position, I understand that depression may be a bigger part of someones fibromyalgia.  A lot of the medications have depression meds in them and I know that I personally didn't need that and those meds didn't work for me.

Okay now as I'm writing this I found another frustrating part...the medications and the fibro make you "stupid".  I know that sounds bad and I hope most of you understand this, but I have been on Topamax for quite a few years now and it just takes away things from my brain, and the fibro has broken the connections. I have called my mom out of the blue and asked her things like...What is that flat thing you flip bugers wth called?   to which she will say with hesitation....a spatula...and I with the greatest delight will shout with joy....Yay...A spatula.  This is something that has embarrassed me in many conversations and when you get stuck on a simple word it can be pretty embarrassing.  Fibromyalgia in itself can make you "stupid"...it's what I call stupid brain....It is because the nerve endings are all messed up so it's really not because we are stupid but because the connections are broken so if you can remember that you will feel better. (hopefully) It is still very frustrating but at least you know there is a reason.

I haven't even started to talk about the pain...that will be blogged later!!