Fibro's Birth...

If you google Fibromyalgia you will probably read that fibro is usually found in women and it's usually the result of a trumatic experience as a child.  They have quoted rape or abuse to be the cause.  Well I was not raped or abused as a child but I did loose my dad at the age of nine.  Was that trumatic enough to bring on this type of condition?  It is a mystery.  But now that I have it I have to live with the continuing mystery of it...or do I?

For about a year I did question every aspect of this condition.  Why did I have it?  What do I do about it?  When am I going to stop hurting?  Why doesn't anyone understand?  And then I decided to stop....

And please don't think for one minute that I don't have my moments...I have moments when I ask every one of those questions again. But for the most part I decided that I had to start living my life again.  I don't know why I have this and there is nothing I can do to change it so I will live with it and do what I need to do to help others.  What does God want me to do with this?  When I am in deep pain I ask to be prayed on and with and I have an awesome boyfriend who does that.  God has become a huge part of my life that he once wasn't.  Although God was always a part of my life he is now allowed to be a part of my relationship with the person that I intend to be with for the rest of my life.  So laying on of hands and healing prayer is so much a part of my life now and so important.  Although Todd doesn't always understand he is always very supportive. 

The part of this condition that has really gotten me very frustrated is the emotional and psychological part.  One of the pieces of this condition is depression and I have issues with this.  I am not a depressed person.  My depression comes from the fact that I can't get rid of the pain.  So I feel that depression is not a peice of this condition but a side effect.  Does this make any sense to any of you?  I am very, vey happy for the most part.  I am usually only depressed when I am taking a medication thats supposed to take away pain and the pain doesn't go away.  When I have a flare up thats when you may find me blue.  Now I'm not saying that this is eveyones position, I understand that depression may be a bigger part of someones fibromyalgia.  A lot of the medications have depression meds in them and I know that I personally didn't need that and those meds didn't work for me.

Okay now as I'm writing this I found another frustrating part...the medications and the fibro make you "stupid".  I know that sounds bad and I hope most of you understand this, but I have been on Topamax for quite a few years now and it just takes away things from my brain, and the fibro has broken the connections. I have called my mom out of the blue and asked her things like...What is that flat thing you flip bugers wth called?   to which she will say with hesitation....a spatula...and I with the greatest delight will shout with joy....Yay...A spatula.  This is something that has embarrassed me in many conversations and when you get stuck on a simple word it can be pretty embarrassing.  Fibromyalgia in itself can make you "stupid"...it's what I call stupid brain....It is because the nerve endings are all messed up so it's really not because we are stupid but because the connections are broken so if you can remember that you will feel better. (hopefully) It is still very frustrating but at least you know there is a reason.

I haven't even started to talk about the pain...that will be blogged later!!